Forgive Me
by alliead
Summary: Lily's death was a tragedy in which the cause could be traced back to one day, to one event. Hell, to one word. Mudblood. Oneshot with some scenes from Severus' POV.


This was originally a songfic to Forgive Me by Evanescence, but I took the lyrics out.

Snape's feelings about what he did to Lily and its consequences, just about his guilt over her death, really. It's pretty short and I'm sucky at descriptions, sooo, just read.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to JKRowling. Not mine. Don't sue; you won't be getting much.

-:-

Severus Snape gathered up his wand and all but ran from the lake at Hogwarts. He ran blindly, ignoring the stares and sniggers of those he passed until he found his way to a small hallway behind a tapestry that was crammed between two classrooms. There he collapsed to the ground, hot angry tears streaming down his face. He wasn't angry at the Marauders, though. Well, he _was_ , but not nearly as mad at them as he was himself. He and Lily had something special. She had been his only true friend through all of these years. When he needed someone to talk to and his parents were fighting, when the Marauders picked on him, when people made fun of him and wouldn't talk to the 'greasy potions-obsessed git'. And now he'd gone and destroyed everything. He knew what he had to do. He would apologize and talk to her, even if he had to sleep outside the Gryffindor Common room all night.

-:-

He knew the moment she had come out to finally talk to him that he was fighting a losing battle. She was fed up, and no matter what he said, no matter how much he tried to convince her of how much he cared for her, the wrong words always spilled from his mouth.

"No-listen, I didn't mean-"

"-to call me a Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth a Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

He couldn't answer her. He wanted to say so many things, but before he could even pull his thoughts together, she was gone, back into the Gryffindor Common room. He sighed, looking at the spot where she had just been standing, and whispered to himself.

"Because I love you, Lily." But she would never hear those words. Not from him. In fact, she rather determinedly ignored Severus for the rest of the two years they schooled together. He had walked up to her house during the summers on several occasions, but she never seemed to be home.

-:-

It was when Severus was in his seventh year that he finally lost all hope. Lily was happily the girlfriend of James bloody Potter and whenever Severus so much as said hello to Lily, he was greeted by a sneer from Potter and his friends, and complete ignorance from Lily. It was as though they had never met. How was it so easy for her to write him off, after all they went through together?

The day after he graduated Hogwarts, the Dark Mark was seared into his left arm, a permanent reminder of his mistake two years before. There was no going back.

-:-

Severus relayed the entirety of what he heard to the Dark Lord, kneeling at his feet. Voldemort smiled, and it was a twisted terrible sight to behold on a face distorted by so much hate and evil. He was muttering to himself, and Severus listened, though he didn't dare look up.

"Born as the seventh month dies... why, that could be one of two children..." He continued to mutter to himself, before turning to Severus once again. "You have served me well, Severus. You shall be rewarded."

Hours later, when Severus discovered who it was the Dark Lord intended on killing, he momentarily took leave of his senses. Without thinking of the consequences, he begged the Dark Lord to spare Lily. It wasn't until he saw the cold expression laced with disgust on the Dark Lord's face that he considered the consequences of his decision. Horrified, he braced himself for the punishment that was sure to come.

A moment passed and he opened his eyes, somewhat confused. He hadn't been cursed, or killed. Nothing seemed to be happening at all, and the silence lasted almost a full minute that felt like a year. The Dark Lord took a breath.

"Very well, Severus. The Dark Lord rewards his most loyal servants. So long as the girl is sensible, she has nothing to fear."

-:-

Severus' feet made a muffled crunching sound as they landed on the cold November ground, strewn with withered leaves and a light layer of fresh snow. He made his way slowly but deliberately toward the place that he had been avoiding for weeks. He had the strange idea that if he didn't come here, if he didn't see it, than it hadn't really happened. Lily was just continuing to ignore him, of course. She couldn't be...

Her name was next to _his_. That damned boy who had stolen everything from him. His dignity, his only friend, the love of his life. How dare he make her fall in love with him? Potter had had everything. His parents adored him and so did everyone at school. Severus wouldn't be surprised if there was a picture of James Potter next to the word 'Popular' in the dictionary.

He hated him. He hated him for not saving Lily, he hated Dumbledore for not hiding them better, and he hated the Dark Lord for killing them after saying he would not. But mostly, he hated himself. Lily's death was a tragedy in which the cause could be traced back to one day, to one event. Hell, to one _word_. _Mudblood_.

And it was all his fault. Severus fell to his knees and laid his hands on the top of the freshly dug grave. He wiped the thin layer of snow off of the dirt and took a deep breath, imagining her beautiful face and vivid green eyes, now cold and lifeless beneath the ground. He conjured a dozen lilies and set them carefully on the ground before getting back up again. He couldn't change the past, but he would devote the rest of his life to her memory. He would serve Dumbledore and his cause until his dying breath. He bit down on his lips, eyebrows screwing up as he fought to suppress his tears.

"Please," he whispered, "Forgive me, Lily."


End file.
